Here’s my dilema. Y’all know I’m all over this health kick right? Before I started, I kept weighing myself and telling anyone who’d listen, “I just don’t get it. The scale isn’t moving, but I know I’m bigger.” If/when this happens to you go on over to Target and buy another scale. My old scale was, dare I say, appoximately 15lbs off! Fif-teen! Sure my clothes pretty much still fit–all the newer ones. I cleaned out my closet. Even patted myself on the back for giving away the Welfare-to-Work worthy items! I’m always pleased when I feel like I’m doing stuff for other people.
Just wait. We’re going to get to my dilema in a moment. I hate washing clothes. It’s not so much the washing as the folding. *looks over shoulder at clothes yet to be folded* I hate folding clothes much like I hate short men. Except if they are arrogant. The men, not the clothes. Arrogant men of all shapes and sizes like me. And the men, the short arrogant ones love me. But I only love them back because I only love those that love me. It’s all in my hand-book–on Amazon-dot-com b*tches! Wait for it. It’s coming.
Here I am washing my clothes. I have on jeans and a long-sleeve v-neck tee from Banana Republic. Viva la–or should it be ‘le’ because even though he’s gay he’s still a man–Santino of Project Runway fame!!! I’m sifting and toting. Reminded of how I was taught it’s always best to have too many pairs of undies and towels. Anywho, my top falls off my shoulder. As in the shyt is too big. I’d been walking around with my cell phone in the back pocket of some fairly new jeans. Think I got them in November or December. Damn phone starts ringing. I reach back there to get it and dammit if my pants didn’t slip down…As in off! As in below my waiste, over my hips–which are still in proportion to my waist. As in I could have very well had this happen in Target early yesterday morning as opposed to the comfort of my home. By the by, why is Target full at 10:30 on a Monday? Huh? Anyone? Anyone? Isn’t the economy on the rebound? Shouldn’t mofos be at work? Oh wait. I wasn’t at work. Nevermind then. Don’t worry though. I should be back at Acme Plantation by mid-April at the latest.
Here’s my dilema. I’ve lost over 15lbs thus far. I’d been planning to loose about 12-18 more. All the while, the way I’d been marking my progress was by trying on items that I’d grown to ’round’ to fit but that I couldn’t bare to part with. If you ever see a homeless woman in a pair of gold, yes I said gold, leather pants, size 2, you can thank me in drinks! It will be quite the sight Not for sore eyes but that will likely make your eyes sore. I could fit my yellow pants. The last time I remember comfortably wearing those pants was about two years ago. Not butter yellow. More of a butter cream yellow. Yes, I own creamy yellow dress pants! What of it?! I do not however, own any neon green ones. Yes, I own a couple pair that are green but I assure you all, they are not neon. Nor do I own any shoes with clear…Oh shyt! Yes I do but I only have them from a wedding I was in. Really, I’m not ghetto. Nor am I a stripper.
Now that we’ve gotten all of that out the way. If I loose anything else, I will be forced to buy an entirely new woredrobe. Which would be cool–if I got a job and all. But, I bought one last spring! Entirely new. All size 6 Long or 8 Regulars–which are the exact same size!!!! I’ve eased back down to a 4 Long/6 Regular and still feel like I can tighten up the midsection and work on these breeding hips a wee bit more. I’ve lost approximately 3.5 inchest from my waist alone. I have always had an issue gaining and maintaining weight when I did even the slightest bit of regular excercise. When I used to party all the time, it was even diffifult for me to keep weight on. I even had a doctor try to check my teeth to make sure I wasn’t anorexic because I was so under-weight. So, how do I tone–which requires excercise, continue to eat healthy, control portions without ending up looking like a bobble-head? Because I’d hate to meet some people for Ethiopian only for them to be all up and through IM asking Honest, “Is the Hostess OK? Is she eatting? Is she on the Nicole Richie air diet?” Look at all these rumors surrounding me everyday…
When you think about it, it’s not really a serious dilema. Especially when you consider the special on TLC called the Half Ton Man! Those people, they had weight issues. Me? I’m just trying to be cheap, not buy an entire woredrobe, and not fade away. But at the same time, I don’t want to get all my stuff altered. Real quick. Pre-break-up, Manfriend had five suits done. FIVE. FIVE that had been sitting idle, brand new waiting to be worn. I remember taking them to be altered. A woman who seemed to know what she was doing had the chalk out. She marked them all. Wouldn’t you know it, according to him, she did a piss poor job. I can’t risk that happening to my stuff!
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