I’m Buildin’ Me A Home

Please, for the love of all things right and just and carefully thought out, stop forwarding me that e-mail about NBC tryna screw Jamie Foxx over. First, I don’t care. Second, while I love a good race-based conspiracy, this isn’t one I can wrap my hands around. Sure George Bush doesn’t care about Black people. And ‘brokeback’ is the new term for all things of questionable masculinity. But I seriously doubt that NBC cares more about the color of Jamie’s skin than they do about the color of the cash his show can generate. Why would they purposely sabotage a money making opportunity? Think about it people!!!!! If there’s an issue where race could be involved but money is also on the line, I’ll let you in on a little secret, money will win nine times out of ten. I just hope when I send out something about the importance of voting, education, and community building, it’s forwarded with the same high level of vigor and vim! Now onto the real subject of today.

Not once but twice I watched School Daze this weekend. I watched Love Jones too. Such a visually stimulating movie for me. Back to School Daze. The song for the opening credits is I’m Building Me A Home. You know, of the Negro spiritual variety. I absolutely love that song. Almost as much as a song done at Howard University’s graduation–Lord, I Done Done.

When Monday morning rolled around, I was still humming, I’m Buildin’ Me a Home. I was packing up my car, in the dark *eyeroll*, about to head out for work. I shut the trunk and was more pissed that I have been in a few years. I didn’t slam my hand or anything but still I was pissed. Pissed to tears. I don’t allow facial leakage very often! I hate the post-crying puffy eye look! Anyway, I looked around in the darkness and thought of how unsafe this situation was. I was alone, in the dark, about to embark on a commute that absoltely boils my blood. This was not what my life was supposed to be!

When I was in high school, the farthest into the future I could imagine was me being 27. Now, I’m a few years past that but I never visualized what I’d be doing at this age. Then it hit me. I’d visualized a lot of things in my life. And you know what? They came true. I knew when people died. I mean the exact moment when my mother’s best friend died, I knew. And when my mom came into my room to tell me, I already knew. Even though I had been outwardly set on going to Spelman, one day, I just up and knew I’d be a Bison. I even knew my line number before I even turned in an application. And never did I feel like I made purposeful steps to get to the things I’d visualized. Things just always worked out.

I refuse to believe that this is the way things are supposed to be working out for me right now. I’m doing all I know to do to make some major changes, but those aren’t coming quick enough. I’m not anti-hard work. That’s not my issue. I’m pro-smart work though. Patience isn’t something I’ve ever really had. I’m even known for my short attention span. I was the kid who got goo-gobs of toys for Christmas and even before the holiday break was over, I’d lost interest in them all. I’ve also never been one to be complacent or to make due. Nope. Not The Hostess. She’s all about making moves. And making them quickly. Not being able to make them quickly frustrates the shyt out of me.

And I sit here still humming, I’m Buildin’ Me A Home it’s the first time I thought about the words. If you’ve ever listened to them, they aren’t singing about happiness here on Earth today. Why is it about not expecting happiness in this life? In the words of Darius Lovehall, “I’ll take mine now.”

Where am I going with this?

Last night I dreamed I’d gone to get a burger but parked my car around the corner from the place. When I got my burger, I got back in my car then DROVE around looking for my car! In the dream, I was driving up the block, backing down it, then driving back up again! Looking for the car!! The car that I was in!!! Da hell?

Was this dream supposed to mean the thing I’m looking for I already have? The goals I’m striving for I’ve already achieved? I’m not big on analyzing dreams but I can’t help but wonder, with all that’s going on with me, what was this dream about? Thoughts? Am I really where I’m supposed to be? Can’t be because this isn’t where andwhere nearwhere I want to be!

And Wednesday, I promise to give you something relationshippy cus I know how y’all just love, Love, LOVE those! And I don’t have time to go back and look for poor grammar or misspelled words. I had to come back and at least change THAT.