Maybe If

First, I wanna shout X out for giving me the balls to put some shyt out here. Even though I’m super secret squirrel about my life, I recognize that writing things helps me clear my mind. I had nothing else to write about today so here goes.

Put this on your calendar because today is the only day I will share. About four of you know, Manfriend and I are broken up. Of those four, I think only one knows the real deal. And the other three, they got the announcement e-mail. I’m not about to say anything that I haven’t or wouldn’t tell him. And since he has been known to lurk at The After Party (Yeah, I linked my own self a la Panama!), if I do write something he doesn’t know, he’ll know upon reading.

Immediately upon break-up, might I suggest you send out an e-mail. I have cut out so much by doing that. It was an e-mail that pointed no figers and painted neither of us in a negative light. I included that we didn’t break up for the usual reasons–nobody cheated, nobody was trying to stall or push for marriage. That was to cut out silly specualtion–when the truth is I wanted to pursue my dream of being a Vegas showgirl. Just kidding!! We just had an issue that WE were unable to resolve–or even compromise on. I never even made mention of whether or not one of us spearheaded the break-up. It was a master-piece.

Under the e-mail, I was sad and still am. However, this isn’t about my sadness. It’s about how other’s have reacted. First, I had a pouring in of support. Friends who respected my wishes and didn’t ask me about it. Yes, the end of the e-mail instructed them to not try to talk to me about it. Second, I got the so-called frociates who were pleased as punch because now I was free to hang out with them. Third, I got the angry people. Some were the people who knew the whole story and include a couple close friends and my mom. But she’s cooled a lot and said she has no ill feelings towards him. Lastly, there was one pry-er.

Side Note 1: My co-workers and I went for sushi lunch yesterday. Do y’all remember way back when Panama wrote about things thugs can’t do? I’d like to add to that list that thugs can not eat sushi and drink from a straw simultaneously. These cats rolled in looking like they were about to rob the place. Next thing I knew, they were working the hell out of their chop-sticks! Who knew!! Thugs Expand Horizons! News at 11!!

There’s one person who insists on prying. When we were together, I told her nothing and I saw a bit of longing in her eyes because we fit so well together. Then I made the announcement and she came over a day or so afterwards. I saw the ‘I knew your shyt wasn’t all that’ gleam in her eyes. Just because I’m not crying on the shoulder of everyone who is within earshot doesn’t mean I’m not sad. She’d just gone through a break-up and kept trying to compare our situations–as if they were the same. Maybe if she and I were closer I’d share. Maybe if Former Manfriend and I had a fugged up realationship from day one, there would be some comparing. Maybe if he’d played me to the left at any point. But really, it wasn’t like that.

The angry people, they were people who probably have my best interest in mind. And now they aren’t even angry anymore. Really, I think their anger was more shock than anything else. But there’s a subgroup that think of this as war. In my e-mail I stated that he and I do not hate each other. It’s just not like that. But these people were so focused on, “Well don’t do this because he with think that.” Or, “What you need to do it Y to let him know Z.” Huh??

Most of these people didn’t even know what the issue was/is or who was the leader in breaking up. Isn’t their ’support’ supposed to be about me? Isn’t it not about spending wasting time trying to get back at him for anything? They don’t even know if there’s a reason for me to be trying to get back at him. But the assumption is that he did something. People are funny. Their focus should have been on me doing things that will help ME feel better–regardless of how doing those things might make him feel. Maybe if he’d been an asshole at any point during our relationship, it could be war. Maybe if our issue had been another woman or something. But it wasn’t.

Side Note 2: I’m finding that I have to make a conscious effort to responod to our ‘talks’ in ways that reflect the person he has been to me and not bases on how the masses tend to behave.

Remember when I said the frociate door was closed, it wasn’t so much all about FL as it was about the ones who know about the break-up. Do they really think because he and I aren’t together that I’m going to fall into their arms. Give me a break! If I’ve been around them this long and didn’t want them, I won’t now. Nor will I play the game where they’re the supportive friend who gets all the information and can fill my head with lots of bullshyt about what he may or may not be doing since we aren’t together. Maybe if I ever had this type of relationship with any of these guys! Maybe if I had even been talking to them about him when we were together. But I wasn’t, and will not now.

Lastly, my supportive people. People who don’t ask me how things are going. People who don’t walk up to me, tilt their heads while touching me on the arm and ask, in the voice they’d use to speak to a crying child, “Are you ok?” Maybe if I hadn’t tried to set the tone with an e-mail my boy said was done with, “…dignity and clear communication…” then I could expect something other than quiet support. But I didn’t and just like I’m learning a lot about myself through this, I’m learned much about the people around me.

Side Note 3: I’m reminded of how ridiculous it is for people to say that someone doesn’t have the right to certain feelings. Just because people break up it doesn’t mean that they go numb. I think it’s almost impossible to disengage immediately. If you find out your ex is dating someone new one day after you break up with him/her, people will say you don’t have a right to have hurt feelings. Bullshyt!! You have a right to whatever feeling your heart pumps!

Maybe if I find peace (like X), I’ll post the e-mail or tell you what the issues is/was (Person I did tell, I will hunt you down and skin you with a butter knife if you tell.). But right now, I’m still sad and he and I are still, well, we’re still hashing some things out.