I like America. I wouldn’t mind living elsewhere but just not for long. And I damn sure wouldn’t give up my citizenship. But look, we have a problem on our hands. Our VP! I would use his name but I don’t want the FB and I and ‘nem starting a folder on me–if they haven’t already. I think VP and I should hang. Not just because he’s proven himself gangster, but because I can be of service to him. Not in a sexual way. Gawd people, get your filthy minds out of the gutter.
This really isn’t what this post is about. Just keep reading.
Had Dick taken me hunting with him, this is how that whole thing would have played out. First, I can tell Dick might not be the sharpest shooter behind the gun. Which means my ass would never stand in front of him when he had a loaded gun. Second, the minute I saw Dick shoot that man, I would have grabbed the gun. Then I would have said, “Look. Dick. I’ll take the heat for this. Just make sure I get no jail time, no record–I mean it was an accident– don’t have to pay taxes ever again, my student loan debt would be erased, and I get top secret security clearance. M’Kay? Because I love this country and we don’t need another scandle. M’Kay old man?”
Why didn’t someone just take the rap for Dick? I question their patriotism. Maybe they are terrorists!
Once upon a time there was a girl named Fran. Fran met a guy. We will call him Slow Talker (ST). Fran gave ST her number. He called. They chatted. But the thing that struck Fran was just how slow this man spoke. Fran didn’t mind people who pause to gather their thoughts. But ST took and entire minute to say a seven word sentence.
ST asked Fran out. Fran was busy. He’d call occasionally until one day he asked Fran out and she wasn’t busy. Before the date, they were discussing their options. He suggested something in the suburbs but Fran wanted to do something in the city. ST said parking in the city was an issue. Fran said whenever she went into the city she assumed valet parking would be used. Back and forth. Mind you, in this whole exchange FT never gave an actual suggestion. finally he suggested…wait for it…I know you aren’t ready…OUTBACK STEAK HOUSE!
They live in an area rich in culure. But this cat chose OUT-freaking-BACK. Fran told him she hadn’t been there since college and wasn’t a big red meat eatter. ST told her that it’s was really all about spending time with her and not where they went. Fran explained that she likes different things and that those different things aren’t expensive. They continued to chat and ST told her, “I only order chicken when I go out…I don’t like to try new things…” This was directly against how Fran lived her life. She adored new things. They never went out that night.
More weeks went on. He asked her out again only to not call the night they were scheduled to go out. Fran didn’t care though because she had other plans. He called the following week and she mentioned he sorta stood her up. He apologized. Still they hadn’t gone out.
In the fourth week, it was supposed to snow. Their area was scheduled to get the most snow in years. Things were going to be closed. ST calls Fran and the first sentence out of his mouth is, “We should get snowed in together.” Fran, shocked that he would suggest such a thing told him, “I don’t know you.” Quick to attempt a clean-up, ST said he was just joking. But that wasn’t good enough for Fran. Fran was almost offended. She told him that she knew he didn’t expect her to agree. But she also knew that had she played into his silliness, he would judge her as the booty-call, laying-up type–which she wasn’t. And I wonder why she even corrected him. ST, was shocked. So much so, Fran reports his immediate comment came with a stu-stu-stutter.
In a weak attempt to defend himself, ST told Fran that if she didn’t become more humble, no man was going to want her. That she puts people off by being so-so confident. Fran explained to him, slowly, so he could understand, that he was working under an incorrect assumption. He was assuming that she was waiting for the man to deem her worthy. When the truth was, early on she’d decided if the man was someone she wanted. So it really didn’t matter if her confidence was putting him off. Her decision was made. ST said that would explain why she has so many male ‘friends’.
In this same conversation, Fran asked him, “We haven’t gone out, why are you still calling me? I mean do you even know what I look like?” ST said he might not remember exactly what she looked like, but she has to have her shyt together and be fine if she’s so confident. Fran laughed and told him that she was far from perfect. But confident in who she was. Fran ended the talk with that. She got off the phone knowing he’d never call her again and that she didn’t care.
Three days later, RIIIIINGGGG-RIIIIINNGGG!!! “You have reached (000) 000-0000. Please leave a message.”
Then END.
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