Let me just say one more thing about Walmart. The other night they were talking about this new upscale Walmarts in Texas. Mind you this was on either The Daily Show or The Colbert Report so it was done in jest. But that’s when I realized we already have a high end, upscale Walmart. And it’s called Target! That is all!
Ladies, did your momma and grandmomma ‘nem ever tell you not to wash your hair when ‘company’ was in town?? Momma’s are funny. Always giving out their old wives tale type wisdom. I cooked broccoli the other day. I absolutely love the stuff. But it causes gas. Yeah I said it. Normally, I’d stop off and get some Beano–cus there’ll be-no-gas. But those damn mini-crack dealers were posted up in front of my CVS selling their sweet sugary goodness–Girl Scout Cookies. So I couldn’t get my Beano. I mean I could have but I would have walked away with a stack of cookies too.
A few hours after dinner, my mother calls and she asks what I’m doing. “Laying on me left side, watching tv. My stomach hurts…I have gas…Isn’t this supposed to make it go?” Why’d she tell me to eat a spoonfull of mustard? Why’d I do it? Why’d I end up still having to go to the store to get relief?
Now that I think all the men folk have been scared away, let’s get to the meat shall we? What you do in the bedroom is your business. Matter of fact, I’d rather not even know you’re having sex, let alone the frequency! But here’s one thing I don’t understand about women and sex. Why do hoes lie? I know women who can’t name the men they’ve had sex with. And while we’d all like to pretend that all of the sex we’ve ever had was protected, that’s a damned lie. Which is more of a reason why you should be able to at least name ever penis you’ve been intimate with.
Why do we lie ladies? And by ‘we’, I don’t mean me because I don’t lie about such things. Because to me, if I have to lie, that means I’m ashamed. And I’m not. I mean why do we sit around and say, “John doesn’t count because we didn’t do it three times.” Or how about, “Oh no that doesn’t count because it wasn’t good.” Please! Spare me the drama.
I’m not one to casually discuss what I do and with whom. However, if/when I do discuss, I’m honest. Not Honest the blogger, but honest as in telling the truth. Not just to whomever I’m speaking to but to myself. I remember a while back talking to a frociate. I complained that the guy I was seeing tried to have unprotected sex with me. The frociate’s response, “Well y’all have been seeing eachother for a while…” A while does not in and of itself equate to bare sex. Nope.
It all got me to thinking that if we, the ones who allegedly know better, think the length of time you know someone contributes to the willingness to have unprotected sex, aren’t we really missing the point? Sex, nowadays, is a health issue. That’s right. I know we’ve all seen those spider diagrams that show you how when you have sex with one person, you have it with everyone they’ve had it with and so one.
Ladies, I keep reading (and no I can’t cite right now a la SonnyRedd) that we are more suceptible to catching things than men. Hello!!! So then we should at least be able to remember who we’ve been with. The circumstances? But we shouldn’t be trying to put out of our minds certain mates for the sake of us not feeling like we’ve slept with half of congress.
I’ve never had a man or woman ask me about how many partners I have had. However, for my own piece of mind, I know the exact number, first and last names, birthdate, and most social security numbers. Yeah, I have a tendency to go hard and be very OCD about information.
I think women lie, not because they don’t think certain mean should count, but because deep down, beneath the oh-I-am-a-sexually-free-new-millinium-woman BS, they feel that they’ve had too much sex. There! I said it. Otherwise, why lie? If you’re so pleased with sleeping with lots of men, they why lie about it?? What do you gain?
We need to start being honest. With ourseleves. And with the few men who bother to ask–for health issues I assume. And with that honestly, what we need to do is start going to the doctor!!! Get your cooch checked on!! It’s a rather easy thing and if you need a local doctor, hit me up via e-mail. I’m constantly amazed at people asking me questions–like I’m a doctor or kidding around about how they don’t know what’s going on down there. “Bitch! I’m not a doctor. Go see one!” How can you be a grown woman, with insurance, and not have a gyn?? How? You only have to go once a year–unless they find something. But even if they do find something, wouldn’t you rather they find it now that when you go to try to have a baby and you have fibroids so big you can’t even carry a child to term?
If men are still reading this, ask your women when is the last time she went? And I know most of y’all know nothing about what happens when a woman gets a pap smear. But so what! Ask her ass anyway. I don’t care if you have to send it to her via e-mail. Just ask. And woman, don’t get offended. Don’t think he’s calling you a hoe by asking. Health is a serious thing–especially in our communities because so many of us still believe going to the doctor is bad.
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